Tomorrow's Reality

The Chrysalis

2009-10-11T23:36:00.005-04:00

I have nothing left to give.
Every ounce of my
energy,
good will,
sociability,
patience,
time,
breastmilk
has been consumed by the
insatiable
around me.

I have nothing left,
just,
very simply,
nothing.

Nothing for the wailing infant who has nursed for the last 4 hours straight.
Nothing for the whining 4 year old for whom nothing is ever good enough.
Nothing for the recalcitrant 18 month old who needs to go to bed now.
Nothing for the guests (my parents) who sat on my sofa after joining us here for pizza.
Nothing for my husband who drowses in the chair opposite me, preventing me, by his very presence, from focusing on the writing I'd like to be doing.
Nothing for me.

I have given everything I have to give.
I have become an empty shell,
the discarded chrysalis,
devoid of the life it once held.
Unlike the chrysalis, however,
My contents have not
transformed.
I have been
consumed
by those around me,
whose need
seems ever greater
than my own.

I have nothing left to give.

I'm Talking to Myself 'Cause No One Else Is Listenin'

2009-10-06T21:38:00.003-04:00

I am feeling utterly overwhelmed. Beside the baby wanting to eat every hour and half, Evie turning aggressive against her sister (whether or not her sister deserves it) and pitching temper tantrums when the least bit tired, and Katie refusing to sleep and her behavior devolving accordingly, work is showing its usual blatent disregard of my nonworking hours, and the list goes on.

My sister called tonight to say "are you available the weekend after this? We'd like to come visit and see the baby and watch the kids Saturday night so you and John can get out." So, I ask John 'are we available'? 'Sure', he says. Then, when I'm off the phone he tells me he might have the opportunity to go to the UConn/Louisville game that afternoon/night and would I mind? It didn't occur to him that he should have told me this earlier or that this would confirm to my family that he doesn't like them. He protests that he likes my sister and her husband and he'd take her husband along. Of course, that makes it all better, now, doesn't it? Welcome to our home, see ya later! And add to that, why the fuck does he get to go out and have fun when I'm stuck here day in and day out being a slave to the children all day and working nights??! And then I feel guilty. Because he does work hard and it's not his fault that he gets to do that away from the kids. He deserves a break. He really does. But, honestly, couldn't he have told me about the game possibility when we were discussing the weekend schedule so I don't feel like a real schmuck with my sister?

Not to mention, he'd rather go to a football game that to dinner with me. Doesn't *that* make me feel great? Of course, I'm a fat blob whose hair won't cooperate and whose gut hangs over her incision like an old man's beer belly over his belt - except mine is floppier because the cause of the bulge is gone, so I guess I can't blame him. Nothing like a little confirmation that I look as much like hell as I suspected.

I got an email tonight from my boss at my church gig. The church is having a cabaret and he wants each of us ringers to sing a couple of songs. I've never sung in a cabaret environment unless you count drunken karaoke. I have NO stage presence (which is one reason why a section leader position is perfect for me) - I'm a dumpy middle aged schlub who looks as dorky on stage as Susan Whatsername from Britain's Got Talent. My fellow section leaders are spectacular singers - they leave me in the dust on a regular basis. I will look/sound horrible in comparison. I can't do this but I have to.

The main credit card is almost maxed out and we have another preschool tuition payment due in 2 weeks. On top of that, I've been nursing my laptop along and I'm not going to be able to much longer. I don't want to spend the money, obviously, but just as much as I don't want to spend the money, I don't want to go through the misery of getting a new computer up and running - finding all the discs and getting the software on there (my photoshop, I have to go back to 5.5 and install that full version, then each of the updates since then), coaxing the "IT" guy at work into putting on the Forteclient software and configuring the funky Outlook thing we use to coordinate schedules, hoping that my backup got everything I needed off the old computer and can get it onto the new computer without problems. Not to mention the simple act of determining which laptop is best for my purposes.

I am fucking exhausted and there seems to be no fucking end to the grind. I try to tell myself that tomorrow will be better but I'm gradually becoming convinced that may be an impossible dream. I know so many people have it far worse and I feel horribly guilty about griping but I'm not sure how long I can keep this up.

"If I Talk to God", Poison Kiss, The Last Goodnight

2009-01-18T07:36:00.002-05:00

I dreamed I lived in an apartment upstairs from a hairstylist I used to have cut my hair. I'd borrowed her margarita mixer and was drinking it with vodka after work. I finished my drink and went down to borrow some more. She wasn't home but I borrowed it anyway. (How obnoxious of me!) Her apartment was really not a separate entity. An older couple (the owners of the house) had the first floor and her apartment was sort of merged with theirs though she did have her own kitchenette, etc.

When I got back upstairs with my illicitly borrowed mixer, I debate whether to pour a bunch into another bottle so I don't have to hang on to her mixer or just leave her a note that I owe her a bottle of mixer. I have a tray of shot glasses half-filled with booze and finally decide to just pour mixer in each one and put the bottle back with a note (I was starting to feel quite the heel for the mooching.)

I noticed that someone had decorated my dining area and left me a cheerful bouquet of flowers, a card, and a balloon for my birthday. Some of my friends had stopped by. I thought it was really sweet but disappointed I missed them. I figured they might come back though.

2009-01-15T23:30:00.002-05:00

I dreamed last night I was at some sort of street festival. It was being held off the main street in an old mill town. City-style buildings, maybe 3-4 stories high at most. I'd wandered to the main street with a friend and as we were standing there, a jet landed on the main street. I was talking about the jet's landing gear being rotary gear instead of conventional gear (which makes no sense to me now) and was pointing out some aspect of the landing gear when I happened to glance up and realize that the pilot made an impossible landing by missing the overhead wires which were strung across the street. He landed through a gap between sets of wires that was barely as long as the plane. I yelled to another friend that it was a hell of a landing but realized she couldn't hear me. I walked over to the plane where a bunch of airport people I know were gathered and repeated myself.

~~~

I realize today that this may have been somewhat precognitive. Although today's impossible landing was in the water and not a city street, the plane was about the right size for an A320. Despite the utter impossibility of such a landing, it occurred and no one was killed in either my dream nor the reality. Also, witnesses say they actually wondered whether the plane was some sort of sea plane, the landing seemed so unprecipitous; seaplanes land on floats, a different type of landing gear certainly than conventional gear.

This is kind of odd, I know, but, for all that I'm a pilot, I don't dream (at night) about flying.

So, at any rate, I think it was a bit precognitive which doesn't happen to me much.

2009-01-13T22:49:00.003-05:00

A couple of quick mental images from the last couple of days.

About 4 days ago:

I dreamed I was at some sort of training or school. We were being housed in an old department store, I think. My choir director was also attending the training. Instead of dorm rooms, they'd partitioned the various big areas of the old deprtment store with those pipe-and-drape things they use for tradeshows into various "roomettes". Others were complaining about it. I was thinking that at least we had a lot more space than the people who got dorm rooms but, later, it occurred to me that I would have to be very quiet if I wanted to do anything of a personal nature.

A couple nights ago:

I dreamed I was in a hotel suite. My parents and sister were there. There had been some sort of battle and John and I had retrieved these three nearly newborn infants. Somehow, either John had killed their parents in the battle or something like that. My mother asked what we were going to do with them and we were going to give them to some social service agency. We were getting ready to leave the area the next day as the battle/war in this area was done and we needed to move on. The babies are in some sort of co-sleeper attached to the bed. I'm getting onto the bed to crawl over to comfort one of the babies and thinking I didn't want to give them up, the poor little things. Meanwhile, I'm also realizing that someone (my mother, I think) has tried to clean some sort of grease spots on the comforter to the bed with some nasty chemical and has poured so much on that the pillow and comforter are soaked through in spots and unusable. I'm mad and demanding to know WTF she was thinking.

2008-12-30T20:59:00.002-05:00

I dreamed I was watching the Olympics - ice hockey I think. I was sitting with / dating maybe? the guy from The Cutting Edge. A player collapsed on the ice so there was a break in the action and I wandered out into the hall.

I'm now in a dorm suite with an Asian man. He's participating in some sort of mathematics/science portion of the Olympics and is going to go compete in a little while. He's showing me a song he's written and we're realizing we're interested in one another. We're sitting fairly closely and my knee is touching his leg. He backs off suddenly and I worry that I've breached some sort of cultural taboo. I start to worry about his parents' acceptance of me as we've sort of decided to be together.

His girlfriend comes out of the other room to tell him it's time to dress and it occurs to me that both of us will have to break off our relationships. We're all headed out into the hallway/stairwell when they carry the fallen hockey player by. It's an old-fashioned stretcher - canvas with a wood pole on either side. It's carried by a person I don't really see on the back and the doctor/CDC guy from the beginning of XF:FTF. The player is dark-skinned and wearing a black parka, the fur-lined hood of which is mostly pulled over his face.

We go down a floor into a corridor that I somehow know is the music building from my college but it's got science labs in it now (and doesn't look anything like the music building from my college). The walls are cement block and the doors are like metal fire doors. A scientist comes screaming out of the elevator - his eyes are all oily and black (more XF stuff there) and he's crazed with fear. He grabs my arm and his fingernails dig in, leaving oily black dents. I break free and start scrubbing at my arm while he runs wildly down the hall. Most of the black comes off. I dart into one of the offices so that he can't find me. It's a weird warren and has some sort of furnace in it - looks like someone converted a boiler room into an office. There's some sort of notice about using fire to suppress intruders printed on a light blue piece of copy paper and posted above the furnace but it warns you need some sort of protective something that I don't have. I can hear the scientist running back up the hallway, trying doors, anything to get the black out of him. I round the corner in the office (it's L-shaped) and quick throw the lock. I think I'm safe but it seems it's the lunatic's office and he has the key. He heard me throw the lock so he knows there's someone in there and unlocks the door.

I run by him as he opens the door. He's carrying a butcher knife and keeps stabbing at me as we run. I'm screaming at the security guard at the end of the hallway by the elevator that the scientist has gone crazy and is trying to kill me.

2008-11-30T23:50:00.002-05:00

I dreamed the Soprano I section leader was possessed by a demon and trying to kill me.
~~~

Haven't had a "someone's trying to kill me" dream in a while. Guess it was about time one cropped up.

2008-11-17T15:26:00.003-05:00

Two last night that I recall...

1. I was at a party at SN's house. This is an annual party and usually so packed you can barely move but this time almost nobody was there. Also, the decor was much more like my house in style than theirs. Since nobody showed up but us, they decided to leave for Florida early. I was thinking it was a real waste of all that food and was eating cookies until I realized that I was probably holding them up. The doorbell rang and another small group of guests arrived to AN's frustration (because he wanted to get to FL) and I seized the opportunity to eat more cookies.

2. I dreamed that John and I and the girls were traveling through Florida by car. We stopped at a rest area and a snake (a coral snake) slithered up my leg and bit me in the knee. I karate-chopped its head off but it nicked my skin. I made John call 911 and the dispatcher (a grumpy sheriff type) didn't believe me. He thought I was an overreacting tourist but sent an ambulance. A large circle around the puncture on the outside of my knee was turning cyanotic (sp?) and there was an equally large dark spot on my ankle (no bite there though).

Then I was in a hospital and they're trying to inject antivenom (sp?). They mixed a clear liquid with some stuff to form a sludge that looked like greasy gravy (greasy on top and sludgy underneath) that they wanted to pump into me. It was too thick to fit into a regular syringe so they loaded up one of those syringes the dentist gives you when you have your wisdom teeth out and were about to stick the nose of that directly into the bite wound and squirt probably a cup's worth of this sludge in my knee. I was terrified of how it was going to hurt to have a cup of sludge injected via the syringe equivalent of a fire house but equally terrified I was going to die.

Make of those what you will.

2008-10-30T20:48:00.002-04:00

I dreamed I was having another baby. DJ and her husband were there and I was going to be doing a VBAC in this really strange birthing chair thing. My OB was there too.

2008-09-23T22:16:00.003-04:00

Hi folks,

I haven't been failing to post. Ok, well, I have but only because I've been getting so little sleep I'm not remembering my dreams at all. The school year isn't doing my body any good, that's for sure.

Hopefully something soon.

PPG

2008-08-31T23:58:00.003-04:00

Ok, I know I've been dreaming but I have only two mental images left for 3 days worth of dreams...

From three nights ago -
I'm picking up a very long cat turd from the floor with a kleenex.

From two nights ago -
I'm in some sort of fish truck with a friend and she's showing me a fish wrapped in plastic wrap on one of those white styro trays they use in meat departments. It's got kind of a shimmery rainbow effect on its scales. We've (she's) been making the rounds of restaurants/homes dropping off various fish/seafood. This is the only one left. I ask "what's that?" She says, "This, my friend, is a Undeliverable Fish."

~~~

I think I'm going to adopt that term "Undeliverable Fish"... to mean something along the lines of an idea that's totally escaped my mind (like these dreams evaporated). It was just something about how she stated it... Very random but wicked funny and apropos (in the dream) all at the same time.

So there you have it, cat turds and undeliverable fish.

2008-08-27T23:12:00.002-04:00

Ok, so nobody was after me personally in last night's dream and, back to the usual, I was nice and calm through the whole thing.

I'm in the military - I think I'm a pilot by training though I'm not sure I'm flying now. Probably AF but maybe another branch. I'm stationed at a stargate-like research facility on an island in a very wide but not terribly deep river that abuts a large metropolis (Minneapolis/St. Paul maybe except that the city's only on one side of the river). I'm returning to base from being on leave somewhere in a regional jet (smaller than a 737, maybe a 727?). The other passengers are civilians, I believe. I know the pilot (MO).

I'm watching out the window as we descend to land. We're low enough that I can clearly see the facilities hidden under the riverbed. The river was diverted over the flood plain to hide the facilities built underground there and, through the brown tinted but transparent water, you can clearly see the roads, buildings, etc. that used to be part of the community (but aren't anymore since it's, well, all flooded) from the air, particularly this low. The river is maybe 20' deep in most places. There is a airport in the middle - the tarmac looks fresh and the runways look like they run 36/18 and maybe 30/12. I know they're meant for smaller craft like fighter jets. I also see what I recognize as a troop transport (flat ferrylike boat with individual spaces painted on top like parking places).

I can feel us starting to flare to land but realize it's too soon, that we're not going to make the runway. I feel the pilot fighting the aircraft but the tail catches in the water, pulling the nose to the left. We make it out of the water but it feels like the aileron is stuck and we keep veering sharply to the left. We clip a couple phone poles and a tree or two. We finally knock a few windows out of one side of a skyscraper (with the tip of the wing) and come to rest quite normally on a side street facing the river, as if we were a car waiting to turn onto the main boulevard that runs along the river.

Everyone appears to be ok but they're starting to get up and want to get out of the plane. I order everyone to "SIT DOWN!" and identify myself as a military officer. I tell them that we need to wait for assistance. I go to the front of the plane and ask MO if there's a way to "crack a window" (i.e., get some ventilation) without turning the plane back on. He says no and asks me if I'm "playing it as a 5?" (Treating it as a potential terrorist threat.) I say yes - grateful that he remembered the number because I was wracking my brain for it and couldn't come up with it. This is why we can't leave the plane as, if it is a terrorist threat, it (and any suspects and evidence) needs to remain contained. People on the street (random passersby) are trying to open the doors anyway. (One looks like TB and is just as bullheaded as he is in RL.) The doors look like city bus doors though reinforced and not see through.

2008-08-26T13:20:00.003-04:00

Ok, I haven't remembered a dream in a while but, yow, I'm kind of wishing I didn't remember this one.

It seems we were out with friends and kids at some sort of resort for the weekend. (John's "growing up" friends and their families.) I'm at the front desk of the hotel - which is a series of little booths, almost like the ticket windows at an arena (but done in teak, etc. not plastic and metal) - and his friend JP is at the other window. JP is trying to make chitchat with me but it's overly familiar chitchat, suggestive. My business is done and I try to say goodbye and get the hell out of there when he looks me full in the face. His eyes are all funny - I mean, they look like eyes, but he looks crazy, possessed (Twin-Peakian). The words coming out of his mouth aren't anything alarming but I know that he wants to rape and possibly kill me. I'm trying to reach John on my cellphone but can't. I'm terrified. I back away and he starts to follow but he's called up to the window and he can't get away right then. I wonder if I should call his wife and warn her.

I flee across the street to another hotel where there is a conference going on. I'm not registered for the conference and the hotel is just about booked - they don't want to rent me a room. I'm desperate to get registered and upstairs to call John before JP gets done across the street and figures out where I went. I con the desk clerk into thinking I own a timeshare in the hotel and she gives me a key. I can see JP coming in the door as the elevator doors close behind me. I don't think he saw me but there's enough uncertainty that my heart is still pounding.

I examine the keys (there are 3) the clerk gave me, wondering which one to use.I decide to use the key with the white plastic top and I go up to the top floor and let myself into the room, locking the door behind me.

I check out the room for safety (entrances/exits/ways JP could get at me) and try to call John again. It's a very nicely appointed room, luxurious even, and has a very large, clear bathtub surrounded by a greenhouse-like enclosure on an outdoor patio on the roof. I'm checking the greenhouse enclosure to see if it's secure enough for me to dare take a bath as it looks so peaceful. I'm still frantic when I wake.

~~~~

Normally in dreams when people are trying to kill me (ok, I need a short label for 'people trying to kill me'), I'm very calm and just do what I need to. In this dream, I was frantic and absolutely panic-stricken terrified. I woke up with adrenaline still rushing through my veins.

2008-08-17T22:29:00.002-04:00

I've taken the girls to a Music Together class that's up by the Canadian border. The teacher is a guy about my age or a little older. I run into GM, who I haven't seen in ages and who is equally delighted to see me. The teacher, who was a little supercilious, is impressed I know GM. He (GM) has funky new glasses - they've got a really heavy frame and a single large lens that's ground differently on either side so as to function as two lenses.

There is an optician located in the gift shop next door to where the music class is and I go in to see if I can get something similar. The glasses frames are scattered around the shop rather than in racks. I like a pair that are thick brushed aluminum. As the optician is making them up, I look around the shop.

2008-08-17T00:17:00.003-04:00

1 -

We're having our baby baptized only it's at John M. Greene Hall (JMG - big lecture/concert hall where I went to college). Fr. A. is there from the church we currently attend. As part of the service, we have to light candles in this 6-candle candelabra but they just won't stay lit. When we finally get them lit, one or two melt down incredibly quickly. After the service, I run into SN, my boss. I'm changing the baby on a table (that looks like the dining room table from the house I grew up in) in the stage left wing. There is a stack of large acoustic ceiling tiles standing on the floor nearby.

2 -

John and I are taking the girls sledding. It's a family run commercial operation. We're trekking through farm fields to get to the sledding hill/facility. We run into the people that live behind us and their kids. Somehow I get separated from John and the girls but I do manage to find my way back pretty quickly - I just got on the far side of a hedgerow. We finally come to an area where some young (teenage) workers are directing people and they hand John and I snow shovels - blue handles with white plastic blades - and point the way.

Access to the sledding hill is through a building that's sort of a changing room kind of thing. You get into a building through an upwardly inclined chute and a narrow trap door. It seems that this was more designed to drop things out of the building that get into it. The building has the qualities of a second rate ski lodge. Everything's kind of dim and made of plywood. There are banks of steep plastic slides all over. I am surprised because there is a goodly drop between the end of the slide banks and the floor - at least a foot to two feet in some cases. There are a lot of people milling about half-dressed in snowgear (again, very ski lodge-ish). Each family gets their own little changing room.

The plastic shovels are to sled on - you sit on the blade and steer with the handle. We realize we don't have one for the girls. John goes to the main common area of the building and gets a single shovel with double wide blue blade for the girls. For some reason I have to go outside to get something. I get stuck in line behind a heavy lady trying to get in through the chute. She can't figure out how it's done. I explain how to do it and she slowly wriggles through as I wait (rather impatiently). I almost get stuck when I do it and am a little embarrassed at being frustrated with her.

We're finally almost ready to hit the hill. I'm looking out of our changing room to the next part of the building. It's in two levels. The bank of slides in this room has a huge (10') drop at the base. I see snow and water trickling down/off the slides. Then I see what I think is a doll go down but it hops to its feet at the bottom and I realize it's an older man. I'm worried about keeping the girls from accidentally going down those slides.

2008-08-14T17:07:00.002-04:00

Only 1 that I remember tonight.

I'm starting back to college - a state school, I think - and I'm in a group of people that need new ID cards. But the building is under renovation: there is plastic sheeting everywhere and the ID card system doesn't appear to be working. People are frustrated but just hanging out waiting.

I figure out there's another way to "skin the cat" so to speak and head down to an office. I think I have Katie with me. The receptionist (MD) is leaving for the day but agrees to do my ID before she goes. Fr.A. comes in and we trade Star Trek jokes as MD does my ID.

2008-08-12T21:43:00.004-04:00

1 -

I had an interesting dream that I forgot before I had a chance to write it down. I was reaching for the paper when the baby started screaming and the dream fled. All I remember is this tray of pieces of angel food cake on doilies. And it wasn't just slices - they were shaped like spikes, tapered to a narrow point and four sided, and were frosted with coconut, I think.

2 -

I'm at my college for a reunion. John and I have walked through the library that also now encompasses an art museum and art museum gift shop. We walk past the gift shop back by the music department and out. We get into some sort of vehicle - a trolley maybe though it's not running on rails. At first, the ride through the woods is normal, pretty. It's sunny and relatively warm. The dirt road starts to curve to the left. We start to hear a clacking noise and we see a bunch of people on a walking tour run through the woods panicking - I notice one woman in particular; she's wearing a coral colored t-shirt and an overshirt - Chicos kind of stuff made out of that stretch matte jersey. The clacking sounds gets louder and I see the giant crab/spider things chasing the women through the woods. They are probably 2 feet from toe to toe in diameter; their undersides are cream and their tops are mottled brown. The clacking comes from their front claws snapping open and closed.

Whoever is driving speeds up. The women are screaming "Don't let them get you!" to us as they run. I hear the metal wheel of the vehicle catch one of the things underneath and it crunches loudly.The upper part of the windows of the vehicle are open, they're double hung like trolley windows. We're trying to close them though the creatures don't seem to have noticed us yet.

The vehicle can go much faster than the women can though and we make it back up to the music department before the things get to us. As we walk through the building, deciding what to do next and letting our nerves calm down, two women walk past, half carrying the woman in coral between them. She looks drunk almost and her face is twisted maniacally. She says to us as they pass us "You don't have to run" and she laughs in a really scary way.

Somehow I know that she's going to turn into a whole bunch more of those things and that the place will be even more infested. I know we need to get away. We run into a guy who is going to take a group on a "tour" which is really an escape from the creatures (who are sentient). We all mount horses and ride for a little while, then we have to rollerblade down this pebbled path down a steep hill. S0mehow I know I can do this. John chooses to walk but I rollerblade (though I don't beat him down the hill by much). Now, all we have to do is walk through the swampy water and we'll get to the hill on the other side and back to the dorm where we'll be ok.

As we're trudging through the waist high water, one woman screams that she feels something on her legs. Someone else screams "they're here too" and people start running madly for the far side. John and I and the organizers of the escape run too even though we think they might be mistaken as to what brushed their legs. John slips and almost drowns in the bog in the confusion. I manage to get him up and we make it to the far side. The shore is rocky and it seems like this body of water is one of the great lakes. The hill stretches up - a fairly steep climb but not too steep to mow and it's a vast expanse of well-cultivated lawn with grey stone gothic buildings at the top.

~~~

The building that houses the library/art museum/art museum gift shop/music department doesn't exist in the waking world but I know I've dreamed about it before - it's beautiful, all deep warm wood panelling, beautiful leaded glass. Then the gift shop is built into a wide corridor (added long after original construction). It's (as a result) long and narrow and encased in sheet glass floor to ceiling. You wouldn't think the juxtaposition of beaux arts and modern would work but it does. I also remember dreaming about the crab/spider things before but I don't believe it was the same dream. They remind me of organic versions of the replicators from Stargate.

2008-08-11T00:54:00.004-04:00

Another night featuring cryptic handwriting.

1 -

This dream took place in the same old house I dreamed about yesterday. Katie was in it. The rest reads "Tabes/Talses exat and de?iey incl".

2 -

The organist is having a recital at Yale. I invite my mother. The concert hall is big and more like a church.

3 -

SB is getting an award and/or giving a particularly noteworthy lecture at a college. People are crowding into the hall. The person introducing him has a hard time keeping the crowd under control. I'm standing at a side entrance, just inside the door. I can't really see the stage as the door faces a small landing with stairs up to the stage on one side and up to the gallery on the other. The hall is darkened, except for the spotlights. I know that he's not one of the company golden boys but neither am I. I cheer wildly as he's introduced.

4 -

I'm going back to college. I had Katie and took time off for that. I'm going to be sharing an apartment with an older couple to save money. My dad drops me off. John and Katie are supposed to come on the weekend but they come that night to stay for a bit as a surprise. I'm thrilled because I was more homesick than I expected. I'm following the old couple's daughter through the apartment as she shows me around. It's big and laid out quite oddly. You enter into a hallway and there's a little kitchenette across from the door. If you turn left it leads to the bedrooms. Turn right, it leads to a hallway that turns left into the living room. If you keep going, you turn left into the "real" kitchen. It's very large and very 1970s. There is a huge jar - like an apothecary jar - with a glass lid on the counter and there are things floating in a clear liquid. They look like severed baby hands and feet. I feel faint and start to back away, saying to the daughter that I can't stay here. She pats me on the back solicitously and says, "Oh no, dear, those are giraffe feet".

~~~
Weirdly and horrifyingly, I remember when I wake up this morning that I had another dream where something appeared to be severed baby feet and hands and was told in the dream they were giraffe feet. It leaves me feeling quite sick most of the day so I'm really hoping that whatever factors of the ether are working to that end please STOP with the "giraffe feet" thing. You wanna make me dream that someone's trying to kill me? Ok. No more severed baby/kid parts, ok??

2008-08-09T23:54:00.003-04:00

1 -

I am driving through cornfields to DM's parents home. It's a classic mid-western style farmhouse. I am going to be staying with them for a while. I climb the stairs and it reminds me of home.
(In FL, DM's parents are farmers but orchardists, not corn, and their house is a salt box not a midwestern farmhouse.)

2 -

I am upstairs in an old house converted to offices. My work has had everyone take a course and take a test. I am looking for my test results but they aren't posted. CT tells me she didn't have time to post them all but they're in the pile. I find my test and I passed.

2008-08-08T15:12:00.002-04:00

3 tonight - but only one that was more than a snippet.

1 -

John and I are out with friends - 2 other couples and a single woman. The three women are all dressed in pale yellow sleeveless linen sheaths. I don't recognize any of them. We're walking around a city looking for somewhere to eat. We are on a street on the edge of the business district and there are a lot of empty storefronts. I wander ahead. I'm thinking about renting one of the storefronts to sell my jewelry from. I try to the doors to one that looks likely and they open. It used to be a bagel store and their black and red logo is still on the door. There's a guy in there. I tell him I was thinking about renting it but he's already leased it and is doing the build out for a new sub shop he's planning to open. He's friendly and we talk about safety in the area until John catches up with me. There's a second storefront that looks nice but it's much larger than I need.

The group has dinner in a cafe and then we walk through the business district back to the parking garage. This part of the city is much better lit and cleaner; the sun is just starting to go down. We pass a brick plaza/park. It's sunken slightly and is flanked on three sides by several very wide sets of shallow stairs (maybe 20-25' wide and 30-35 steps long with a small landing about halfway down) descending from street level to the plaza that double as ampitheater seats. The fourth side is bordered by the entrance to large glass high rise office building. There are trees and shrubbery at the top of the steps opposite the office building - they screen the brightly lit parking garage behind them.

From the sidewalk above the plaza, I can see there's an Irish step dance demonstration going on. (Oddly, the people doing the demo are wearing German costumes not the traditional Irish gear.) I suggest we go down and watch it. One girl's date is a really obnoxious guy and he puts up a stink so he and his date go on home. One of the other girls apologizes for him - apparently he knows he's a jerk and is trying to get better through biofeedback.

As we're watching the demo, Katie starts bouncing around to the music (she was not with us until this point so I'm not sure how she got there), all blond curls and enthusiasm. A roly poly older woman behind and to the right of me suggests that maybe she'd like to try dancing, that the teacher would give a demo lesson. I think she must be involved with the dance school or something. The teacher comes over. Katie charms her as well and she starts a demo lesson right there, showing Katie how to stretch, etc.

2 -

I hear a phone ring but can't get to it because I'm changing the baby or something like that. I hear my friend MH leaving a message. The only word I catch clearly is "oat."

3 -

John is upset with me about some insulation fluff that fell from the vent in the attic and is making a mess in the hall. I promise him I'll clean it up as long as he gets the vacuum out.

N.B. The last one was so real that I had to ask John when he called this morning if we'd had a discussion about insulation fluff and vacuums.

2008-08-04T14:06:00.004-04:00

Ok, the first thing I have to say is that if anyone knows how to improve "middle of the night" penmanship (other than turning on the light and putting my glasses on), I'm all ears...er, eyes.

1 -

This is where my penmanship sucks. I have this note. It says something that looks like "pwkng SGC cw owl-oreo-eating are" Ok, the second part is "SGC at outdoor eating area" but I can't figure out for the life of me what I was trying to write/mean with "pwking"2 -

2 -

I must've been on a stream of Stargate-character related dreams. Now, of course, could I get a nice, er, cozy dream featuring Jack O'Neill? Of course, not. I get Vala pulling a scam and getting me roped into it somehow.

I'm with Vala and I'm dragging my beat up suitcase from college - softsided tweed thing that my grandfather bought off an infomercial. We stop at what looks like a beat up old machine shop from the 1930s/40s. Squat, cinderblock or brick, tiny, high windows. There are two garage bays with very, very large garage doors and "flap" that comes down so that people working in the garage can have the doors open but still be kept warm. We are, apparently, trying to escape the law. Or rather, she is, and she got me tied up into it somehow. I'm running around the shop trying to find places to hide; she's looking for something but I'm not exactly sure whether it's a place to hide or something to steal. I'm worried we're screwed (yet, frustratingly, not by the aforesaid Colonel/General) as the police are right behind us. The owner of the shop comes in and then I'm even more worried but he seems to realize that I'm an innocent bystander that got sucked in and he's helping me evade being caught by hiding me.

3 - (busy night last night)

I'm in a dining room in an old house - it's my house in the dream but doesn't really look like my RL DR). The room is being renovated. Something skitters across the floor onto a pile of stuff. It looks like a mouse and I point it out to DH. Then I realize it has black flappy things on its furry back and I yelp that "it's not a mouse, it's a bat!" I want him to do something about it but he seems stunned that there's a bat in the house. It takes off and flies around the room as I'm saying "how the hell did a bat get in the house?!" He says it came in through that hole in the wall. "What hole in the wall?!" I say. I'm thinking the walls should be covered with colonial-era raised paneling but then I realize we've taken the paneling down for the renovations. I look at the walls, they're bright pink (orchid) and rough plaster over lathe. About 9' up and almost to the right edge of the wall to my right, there's a 2" hole - perfectly round - as if some pipe had gone through there at some point.

The bat lands on the edge of the hole and I start to edge closer. The bat seems to be changing into something else. It's not sitting like a bat, it's sitting like a bird. I realize it's now a (very small) redwing blackbird. I grab my camera - granted one doesn't want birds in one's house either but how often will I get a chance for that picture? As I start taking pictures, I realize it's changing - the house has disappeared and we're outside. The bird is getting bigger and brighter as it walks around in the undergrowth. The red and yellow flashes on its wings are spreading over the rest of the bird. I'm taking a steady stream of pictures. The feathers seem to be getting fluffier somehow and it is taking on the shape of a peacock but a peacock that's red/orange/flame instead of blue/green/black. The card in my camera fills up as the bird is changing even more. I'm trying to grab and put in a new card quickly without scaring the bird. I'm looking at the fresh card. It's in a translucent orange case. I realize it's a 4MB card not the 1 MB card and I'm not sure it will work with my camera. As I'm taking it out of the case, I wake up.

2008-08-03T22:42:00.003-04:00

1 -

The company I work for (in RL) is on some sort of retreat at a fancy, fancy home/hotel somewhere. The building looks very similar to a colonial-era church only larger - the same clean lines, white paint, dark banisters, raised panels.

A crazed employee (JB?) is trying to get to RF (president of the company). She's foaming at the mouth almost and we lock her outside and flee for our rooms. As we're going up the stairs, CF and I realize JB is trying to get in through the top of a giant palladian window (that's been hinged sort of like a transom) and deadbolt that too. Leave it to the support staff to do the dirty work. We race up the stairs but so many people are pounding up them at the same time, they start shaking. It reminds me of why soldiers break step when they cross a bridge and I realize they're going to collapse. CF and I dash off at the first landing.

The stairs were amazing - I wish I could draw them - the staircase started in the center of a two story foyer. About halfway up, they t-ed on a "bridge" over the foyer. Either end of that bridge had a half-flight up to the mezzanine level (that's where CF and I fled to). The bridge also had a staircase toward either end that continued upward (still over the open foyer) to another bridge like the first with a couple of steps on either end. Then that bridge had a center staircase that continued up to a second floor.

2 -

I don't remember many details of this one but it featured raptors attacking medieval warriors at a river bank. I remember thinking it was nonsensical as the backup warriors (second string) were in front. I think I've been reading too much XKCD...

2008-07-31T15:41:00.003-04:00

Two that I recall from last night (well, early this morning, actually)

First...

I'm at work. It's the consulting company I work for but, oddly, our office is a large box store - or I suppose it could be a warehouse. The floor starts shaking from an earthquake. Employees start running for the bathroom. I meet SN and DH on the way and convince them to come with me to the shower area because I think it's safer due to the small shower stalls. (I wrote "new showers" at the end of my notes on this one - I'm guessing that means the showers were safer because they were new?)

Second...

My fiance' and I live in a bad section of town. The fiance is maybe 21 at the most and I'm a couple years older, I think, or maybe just more mature. He has a two part thin mustache and dark hair and he's wearing a black baseball hat, pants half off his ass, and a long t-shirt/jersey thing. He is supposed to be watching his kids for his ex but is being very irresponsible with them. One is a young toddler, one is maybe 4 - both boys. He's letting the 4 year old run around wherever he wants to and has the toddler loose on the sidewalk instead of up on the porch though the street is busy. He's (the fiance) is lying on his stomach in a bit of a wet spot/puddle on the sidewalk teasing the toddler while he chats with his ex and his friends.

I can't believe how little care he's providing the children and say I'll take them in - we have to get ready for some sort of religious event anyway. I can't get both of them and their stuff. He derides me in front of his friends and calls me names when I ask for his help. He eventually does it but gets angry again when I ask what I should be doing to get the kids ready for this Christian religious event. I'm frustrated and crying after he goes back outside to talk to his friends/ex - how would I know what to do; I'm Jewish! I'm dressing the kids in what looks like my RL laundry room (very cramped - like a hallway with a w/d in it) but there are two TVs - one on the washer, one on the dryer. I'm letting the kids watch TV to keep them distracted while we get ready. I put the toddler's TV on sesame street and let the older one pick a cartoon. While I'm getting their clothes together, the toddler changes the channel to some sort of new year's eve circus parade - with girls in yellow showgirl outfits, an elephant, and some sort of character with a large dark-haired papier-mache head and a yellow cape that matches the showgirl outfits. The older one turns off his TV. I ask him why and he says he wants to watch what's on the younger one's TV.

~~~
Interesting - I'm definitely "me" in the first dream but in the second, though I was dreaming in first person, I was definitely someone else.

2008-07-30T13:48:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting at an L-shaped desk laying out a church songsheet / bulletin - the old fashioned way. (I'm doing a paste up.) The choir director doesn't know I'm doing it for her; it's a surprise to say thank you because she did something special for my child's baptism. I'm doing several week's worth and I remember, after I've completed one and most of another, that, unlike the church I grew up in, this church changes its service music* seemingly at random. I realize that it's entirely possible (likely even) that I've pasted in the wrong service music and I'd better check and fix it.

I'm frustrated with myself for not remembering this and I'm also afraid of screwing up. The desk is littered with bits of paper, tape, paste, scissors, lots of piles of stuff. I decide I need to step away from the task for a few minutes because I'm getting overwhelmed and, therefore, more likely to make a mistake.

~~~~

Unlike a lot of my dreams, I know exactly where this one came from. I was working on some proposal materials for my job last night and I tweaked the titles on a couple of pages without being told to. I realized after I went to bed that I might not have had the most recent versions of the documents I tweaked. (Fortunately, for all involved, turns out I did have the most recent versions and all is well.) I'm pretty sure the dream was my mind's attempt to remind me to check on that this morning. Worked, actually. (Though it's kind of funny... I didn't remember the dream until I was changing the baby's diaper and then had to recite the details to myself over and over so that I wouldn't forget whilst feeding her!)

*The Ordinary of the Mass - the Kyrie, Sanctus, etc.

2008-07-27T14:01:00.003-04:00

I'm with a teenage boy (I'm that age as well) and we're goofing around inside a set of underground corridors - concrete walls, concrete floors - part of the infrastructure of a mass transit system. He's on a bike and I'm on foot.

He tells me to "watch this" and rides at the tollgate faster and faster. I'm laughing but telling him he's going way too fast and he'd better slow down or he'll hit the gate! The gate is a bent metal tube - similar to the tubes you see in handicapped bathroom stalls - but is hinged at the far end (so the end forms kind of a flap). He hits the flat with his shoulder and he flies right through, still on the bike. I throw my fare at the collector and take off after him.

Just after the tollgate, the hallway Ts - he goes left and I run right to confuse the security guard. The corridors form a square and we meet up on the far side, dashing into the women's bathroom seconds before the security guard rounds the corner. We're laughing our asses off at having fooled the guy.

We come out slowly as if there was no reason to hurry - I think he leaves his bike in the bathroom - and we head into an arena that's off the corridor. There is a basketball game going on. They're showing pictures of TB, as a former bball star, and his kid, CB, currently playing in the game. My friend and are totally jazzed on adrenaline and laughter.

2008-07-26T16:34:00.003-04:00

I know I had a bunch of dreams last night but they didn't stick with me long enough to write down. The only snippet I remember is someone slicing off the top of an angel's wings with a chainsaw and then trying to fasten the sliced feather tips back on with clear packing tape. Weirdly, the chainsaw was silent and, even more weirdly, the angel just stood there and let the person do it. I remember telling whoever it was not to do it because they'd get into trouble and, later, that packing tape wasn't going to work and what were they thinking?!

2008-07-25T14:01:00.004-04:00

I am vacationing in some sort of tropical resort community with my family. It's twilight. I am playing with my daughter in the pool (OD). She's riding piggy back and I'm carrying my baby daughter (BD) against me as I give OD her ride.

The pool is tiered. It begins between two of the resort buildings as a narrow spit, almost river like, and goes down a hill in gradually widening rounded terraces toward the beach, which is shaded with palm trees.

We (there are a lot of people in the pools) see planes (fairly large military ones) coming overhead but think nothing of it. Then there is a whistling noise and an enormous splash as something very large and very heavy lands in the pool. As people have just caught their bearings and are starting to think maybe they should get out of the pool, it happens again. Either the second one is larger or they expode - or maybe both - because we are thrust high into the air by the impact. When I say high - I mean well over the roofs of the single story buildings at the top of the hill. We rise for a long time. I can see the palm trees below us.

I'm still clutching BD in her blanket and OD is clinging to my back. I hear someone shouting that this is bad news "It's bad when this happens." - meaning that there this has happened multiple times before and we, lucky us, hit the worst possible scenario.

We crest the peak of our unintended jump and our trajectory changes. I try to open the baby's blanket to use as a parachute and keep her balanced on top. I yell for Katie to hold on, hold on. I'm trying to see if I can influence our landing spot at all and figure out how I can protect both my children but, in my heart, I know it's futile and that we're most likely going to die. I can actually feel the direction change in my gut still when I wake up.

2008-07-24T13:45:00.003-04:00

RS and I are out doing something - I think she has sort of a "mission" for the evening and I'm just along for the ride, so to speak. She works in a department of a bank and has to retrieve some info from there to do whatever it is she needs to do. She has keys to her department and we get in ok despite it being the middle of the night but she can't seem to get signed on to the computer.

She's getting a little frustrated and I'm getting a little nervous because I feel like we're going to get in trouble for being here. She has a friend in the IT department, whom I've heard a lot about but have never met, and calls him on speakerphone. He's able to log her in from wherever he is. She goes off to retrieve the information while I make awkward chitchat with the IT guy. I'm still concerned that we're not supposed to be here but figure that, since they both work for the bank, it must be ok.

2008-07-20T15:47:00.002-04:00

Ok, finally a dream I'm not really having trouble interpreting...

DH and I are visiting JJ (my late voice teacher) at her apartment. She's retired and starting to fail a little (in reality, she died with her boots on so to speak at 73). While we're there, we decide to make dinner for her.

The stove is weird - it's got a glass cooktop but the bottom is black cast iron and has a dent/crease in one corner as if it had been dropped or mashed while still hot from the casting. I turn one of the burners on without realizing it and almost set a long potholder sitting on the cooktop on fire. I flip it over onto itself with a spatula and bend to turn off the burner. As I'm looking for the place to turn the burner off, I can see flames inside between the cast iron part and the cooktop part. It's clear to me that something is burning down there. I calmly tell DH and JJ that we need to call the fire department and get out because the stove's on fire.

JJ moves pretty quick with her walker and the fire department is called. We throw the stove into the backyard and when I go out to check it, I realize that it's not on fire and, indeed, shows no signs of fire at all. I think we'd better call the fire department back and foolish that I'd caused so much fuss over something that wasn't really a problem.

~~

Ok, I'm figuring this has to do with my audition on Wednesday. DH points out (as if I didn't realize it) that I'm prone about worrying things to death that aren't a problem at all. I think it's vocally related as it features my much-loved and much-missed late voice teacher. A lesson here perhaps?

2008-07-19T17:33:00.005-04:00

Yes, it's another dream featuring mall/office building combos.

I've been preparing title insurance policies for the law firm for which I used to work for some time. I've been asked to come in and do some temp work for them.

I'm wearing a black pantsuit, carrying a black leather briefcase, wearing black loafers with a medium heel, and also carrying a latte. I'm glad to be out without my kids but I'm running a little later than I would like though I'll still be on time if nothing happens.

I'm downstairs in the mall. There are several sets of elevators, all that go to different floors. I can't seem to find the right one but I really don't want to take the escalators all the way up to where I'm going. I look at my watch and it's just about 10:30 - I will be late in about 30 seconds. I decide to take the escalator up one floor and see if I can find the elevators there. The escalator has shiny metal interior sidewalls. The landing I step into off the escalator is also shiny and metal - looks very art deco. I find the right elevators and get on. My friend TT, who used to work with me and now works upstairs, is also getting on the elevator. The elevator goes to floors 7, 8, 9, and 20. She's going to 20, I'm going to 7 - I press the buttons. I say goodbye as I get off and she says have a nice day.

The law firm's waiting room opens right into the elevator lobby - there are no doors, no wall. I approach the front desk, which is a small half circle in a rosewood in front of a rosewood panel and say hello but breeze by the person sitting there to find CA, my former boss. The office is oddly set up. There are private offices and conference rooms that form curved walls on either side of an open "bullpen" for the support staff. The firm seems to have gotten much much bigger since I worked there and I don't see anyone who would know me.

I stick my head in CA's office but he's not there. His office is long and relatively narrow for the length. His desk is backed by blond wood panelling and then the end of the room is all sheet glass windows. The sun is very bright through the windows and I can't see whether they go to the floor or not. About halfway down, along some floor-to-ceiling windows that look out at the bullpen, a bunch of people are sitting in chairs in a circle having a meeting. I wonder why they're not using the conference table that's in the sunny part of the office. They look up at me and I note that CA's not among them. I say "Just looking for CA, sorry to bother you" and duck back out.

I follow the line of offices looking for CA. I pass behind the wall that the receptionist's desk backs up to and come out to a second open bullpen. This one opens up on the far side to the mall. I can see a restaurant on the far side of the common area. It's all woodpanelled on the outside and says 90° in stylized iron lettering (numbering?). It looks like an upscale restaurant - the kind that will run you $40 for an entree. As with the lobby, this bullpen opens directly onto the mall.

I keep going down the hallway though eventually coming to a copy room. A woman asks me if she can help me. She has dyed red hair (very dark crimson) cut into a long page boy and large black rimmed glasses. (Actually, she looks a lot like my RL next door neighbor.) I explain why I'm there. She's one of the senior staff and CA told her to keep an eye out for my arrival as he wouldn't be there just them.

She brings me back to the receptionist's desk, which is now definitely empty. They are going to have a meeting of everyone in the firm and they need me to answer the phones while they're meeting.

One of the people that was in the meeting in CA's office is now in the lobby. He's tall and somewhat overweight, dark hair just over his collar in loose curls. He's wearing a tweed-ish jacket over an open necked dress shirt and a supercilious attitude. I think the jacket's silk.

As people gather for the meeting, I finally see people I know - LM and MD - but they don't recognize me. LM's gotten a lot grayer. Out in the elevator lobby, there's a bit of a brouhaha going on and a man is apprehended right in front of our receptionist desk. I'm crouching down next to the prisoner - he's tied up. LM says it's a good thing it wasn't him out there (meaning that he was a bit of a wuss). I joke that I don't know - he could've choked the man with one of his earbuds. He finally seems to recognize me.

2008-07-17T13:26:00.005-04:00

I'm in an airport (commercial)... the area where passengers are dropped off isn't curbside, really, vehicles pull right into the building through a corridor. It's dark and there are glass sliding doors that open and close around the vehicles. I think there is a parking garage on the far side of one of the sets of doors - The dark is punctuated by the kind of lights that you typically see in parking garages.

DH is driving a minivan. There is a group of us that have been staying at an old farmhouse and he and someone else are getting us all back to the airport. I get this load of stuff unloaded and realize I left my purse back at the house. I start to tell him he needs to make sure to get my purse in the second trip and then JB says that she has it. I turn around and she's sitting in the center section of a minivan - the seats are out and she's sitting among the luggage. I can see her through the open sliding door. I'm surprised because I didn't know she was there. I expected the next van wouldn't get here for some time yet.

I flash back to the farmhouse - somehow I know we're in Florida but it's not particularly hot or anything - and I'm putting some sort of dessert - (a pie or something but it's shaped like a cheesecake) into a cupboard.

There was another one after that but I didn't it write it down thinking I'd remember it - ha!

2008-07-16T23:49:00.004-04:00

I'm zooming around for some project or other. I'm in some sort of department store but it seems to me there's a school or office building attached. The look of the inside reminds me of the Marshall Fields store (the original) in downtown Chicago, particularly the long escalators between floors.

There's a group of people involved in the project and something needs to be done or organized upstairs and I volunteer to go up and do it. As I'm riding up the escalator, one of the people (EM, an acquaintance from elementary school through high school) coming down the other escalator says with some disgust "That's PPG for you; she always did take over everything."

There was a lot more to that dream but I can't remember it now.

It had one of my repeating elements in it though - the mall/store attached to an office building. Usually, I work in the office building and I'm trying to get home via public transportation or something like that. The mall is usually kind of a dead mall - weirdly deserted with few open stores and convolutedly configured.

Change of Pace

2008-07-09T14:57:00.003-04:00

Ok, I'm going to change this up a bit as I need a place to stash what few dreams I have that I remember. So, with that... voila...

~~~

I'm a student - both me and a high schooler at the same time. We've been released from class to hear a musical performance put on by younger students. The performance is in a local storefront a short walk from the high school. The kids are good but one pretty Asian girl (who is also our babysitter (though she looks nothing like our RL babysitter)) who was playing violin missed her cue to come in on the piano.

The piano is more organlike - with a second keyboard where the feet go - a little African American boy crawls under the piano and plays the girl's part. She blushes and gets all giggly and I wonder whether I should be worried about leaving her with my kids. One of the other kids my age is one I'd been intimate with at some point and I wonder briefly, before sighing at the impossibility, whether he's still interested.

The performance is over and my class leaves. It takes me a little longer to get my shoes on and I have to ask the younger kids' teacher to wait before she locks the door and goes to lunch.

Somehow it's now dark out as I walk through town, crossing a small triangular park between streets to get back to the school. One group of people sitting on the edge of one road is throwing something (fruit maybe? garbage?) at another couple of people sitting on the edge of the next road. I turn down the second road and it's daytime again.

The high school is built up against a hill, which makes no sense as I know the rooms are full of light and there are athletic fields on the side of the hill where the school is pressed up against it (like a couple of feet at most away from the dirt). I am debating whether I should go back to class - I'm supposed to go to gym, I think, but they're just going to the same performance I just went to and there is only one more period after that.

I'm going to the hall to my locker, which is number 4-6. The lockers only go up maybe 3', then there are glass brick windows above that but remarkably clear glass brick - I can easily see kids playing on the athletic fields outside. We don't use traditional locks on the lockers. On the top, there is a little thing that pops out like a CD drive where you enter your locker number, then your combination (4-15-86) to open your locker. I mess it up a couple of times before getting it right.

As I'm messing up, two girls come by. They're the cool/mean girls and are looking for someone to pick on. One is a dirty blonde and the other has a shiny black bob and magenta sweater. They say something to me like "what are you doing?" I reply that I'm thinking of ditching class. This isn't the answer they expected - they expected me to be scared of them - and they're sort of impressed.

Thank you

2008-01-27T01:35:00.000-05:00

SMT - you made me feel a lot better, actually. I appreciate it.
Things are improved a little; still exhausted and overwhelmed but not quite so desperate as I was.
Hangin' in. That's something, at least.

I am a Fucking Idiot.

2008-01-17T20:27:00.000-05:00

I hate my fucking life and I'm not all that fond of my fucking self either. I think I'm having a midlife crisis maybe; I certainly feel like a fucking failure not to mention a basket case. What's really sad is that I'm posting this here so that I don't have to endure people's "pep talks" - just more minimizing bullshit designed to make themselves feel better that does nothing for me.

Just for the record...

I know I'm fat, ok? Food is the only enjoyable thing in my fucking life which is probably why I hate dieting. Well, that and I haven't found a diet that works at this point. The one that did once when I was 30 seems to have no impact anymore. Zealots keep trying to get me to stop eating carbs and maybe that will do the trick but what the fuck will there be to look forward to? Zip, that's what. I mean, honestly, vegetables are barely tolerable in a few cases and outright nasty in most. And you have to eat low fat too - more chicken. Great. Just fucking lovely.

I know I've gotten nowhere in my career, if you can call being a half-time contract reader a career. I certainly don't like it very much. My opinions aren't respected, nobody in my company gives a damn what the contract says - certainly not the project managers - and it's a constant battle to force myself to do something that clearly makes no difference whatsoever.

I feel tremendously guilty that I don't enjoy being a mother more. It's wretched. I love her to pieces but she's annoying and incredibly time consuming with BORING things. And I'm having another one? I'm a fucking idiot.

Exercise just sucks. The only possible exceptions are ballroom dancing and ice skating - neither of which I have the time or money for as both are very expensive. I know it's important but every minute I spend exercising is a minute I resent. And finding the time to do it robs me of my hour during naptime that I use to make jewelry for sale.

I have not gotten anywhere with any of my musical or artistic endeavors. When am I going to figure out that I'm always going to be second-rate, never more than a church choir singer or jewelry hobbyist. Why do I keep throwing more effort into things that clearly I'm not cut out for? I really am a fucking idiot.

I hate doing childcare from 8 am - 8 p.m., then working from 8 p.m. - 1 a.m. I particularly hate it when my work start time gets delayed because her father doesn't put her to bed or occupy her and she pesters me so that I don't get started until 9 and then, of course, have to work until 2 a.m.

I hate that my mother seems to find every single one of my emotional weaknesses and exploits them to get to me to what she wants. I hate that I fall for it every time just about. (See? Told you I'm a fucking idiot.)

I am probably not only going to never meet my aviation goals but probably, even, will never fly again. (I'm talking general aviation here not commercial flying - that I am likely to do again at some point.)

I hate that I'm such a fat lazy ass whiner.

Yeah, I'm pretty much just a fucking idiot.

Day 22

2007-09-12T13:05:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I visualized have my jewelry, specifically Starlight, Starbright, shown in national magazines such as Martha Stewart Living, etc.

Today, I made this progress:

I did my visualization this morning.
I made a really cool new cuff style bracelet - basically a copy of one I saw in a resort shop with some modifications.
I received Eni's comments on my last post and responded

I am grateful:

that I was able to recreate the bracelet I pictured in my head and saw in the store.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning (focusing on solution to sketching issue) and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
follow up with Eni on my question to her last comment
do some creative sketching on cool new jewelry ideas
maybe clean up my office.

Day 21

2007-09-12T13:02:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I visualized a solution to my sketching problem and realized that I would just have to play with the beads first and then sketch.

Today, I made this progress:

I did my visualization this morning.
I got my sketching finished and posted
I got my deposit readied, etc.

I am grateful:

that visualization gave me a solution to my sketching problem
that I got most of the bookkeeping done - just need to get the mailing list start

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning (focusing on solution to sketching issue) and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
check on Eni's response to the sketching
do the custom work I need to do.

Day 20

2007-09-10T22:50:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I visualized a successful party tonight.

Today, I made this progress:

I did my visualization this morning.
I did a reasonably successful home party - grossing $600, netting, after overhead, $222
I heard people make wonderful comments about my jewelry
Someone bought one of my class pieces!!!!

I am grateful:

that the show went well
that I can turn my attention back to my classwork tomorrow

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning (focusing on solution to sketching issue) and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
process the credit card slips and prepare the deposit
update my ledger
continue my sketching and post what I have.

Day 19

2007-09-10T22:47:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I tried to visualize a successful show on Monday this morning.

Today, I made this progress:

I did my visualization this morning.
I did inventory and photographed all the unphotoed jewelry
I labeled and tagged all the untagged jewelry
I packed all the stuff for tomorrow's home party

I am grateful:

that I got everything set for tomorrow.
that I have a show on Monday that's going to go well.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning (focusing on great show and solution to sketching issue) and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
do a successful home show.

Day 18

2007-09-09T00:23:00.001-04:00

I visualized:

I visualized this morning - but it was odd - all I kept seeing was a corridor in an office building. The walls were sheetrock, it looked like, and light and there was carpet on the floor. Not A-level office space but probably a high B. Weird.

Today, I made this progress:

I did my visualization this morning.
I began the new sketching
I made 2 necklaces, a bracelet, and some earrings for sale.
I priced everything that's been made.
I did my meditations and read my intent statement.
I placed citrine in my cash box and in the wealth corners of my office and my bedroom.

I am grateful:

that I made jewelry for sale today
that I have a show on Monday that's going to go well.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning (focusing on great show and solution to sketching issue) and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
photo all the unphoto-ed jewelry
print labels and tag all the untagged jewelry
print out and update the inventory list.
pack and gather the items needed for the show on Monday.

Day 17

2007-09-07T23:54:00.001-04:00

I visualized:

I visualized celebrities wearing (and touting) my jewelry - focusing on more heavyset celebrities as my jewelry works well for larger women who are often underserved.

Today, I made this progress:

I did my visualization this morning.
I did the sketching and posted it to the site
I received her comments and did a second more detailed sketch and posted it.
I reviewed her comments on that.
I made 4 pairs of earrings in 2 designs for sale.
I did my meditations and read my intent statement.

I am grateful:

that I made jewelry for sale today
that I asked for help
that I received help from someone so encouraging.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
do the next set of sketching
create jewelry for sale

Day 16

2007-09-06T23:41:00.000-04:00

Day 15

I visualized:

I again tried to visualize a hugely successful ($1000+) on Monday

Today, I made this progress:

I did my visualization this morning.
I explained to my teacher I was having a creative block to see if she had any ideas.
I shopped for charms for inspiration.

I am grateful:

that I am willing to ask for help

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
continue the sketching I've been assigned to create another version of the A2 pendant
create jewelry for sale

Day 15

2007-09-05T23:59:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I again tried to visualize a hugely successful ($1000+) on Monday

Today, I made this progress:

I made a necklace and matching earrings for sale
I began the sketching Eni assigned
I did my meditations and will read my intent statement before bed.

I am grateful:

For my increasing awareness that, while you can deviate from the rules afterward and while they may frustrate you whilst learning, you need to learn the rules before you can break them.
That I actually made something for sale today

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
continue the sketching I've been assigned to create another version of the A2 pendant
create jewelry for sale

Day 14

2007-09-04T23:47:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I worked on visualizing money coming into my cashbox on Monday and people oohing and aahing over my stuff.

Today, I made this progress:

I finished the new version of the A2 pendant
I rephotographed the first two versions and the new version on a gray background per Eni's request and posted the photos online
I did my meditations and will read my intent statement before bed.

I am grateful:

For a teacher that is committed to making me better even if she has to criticize to do it and that she makes her criticism constructive.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning (focusing on success at my jewelry party next Monday) and evening meditations and read my intent statement.
do the sketching I've been assigned to create another version of the A2 pendant
create jewelry for sale

Day 13

2007-09-03T23:14:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I tried to visualize this morning but nothing was coming.

Today, I made this progress:

I began a new version of the A2 pendant.

I am grateful:

that I got a little jewelry making in despite the rest of the day being packed with company and getting ready for company.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning (focusing on success at my jewelry party next Monday) and evening meditations and read my intent statement
continue the A2v3 pendant
make 1 small piece of jewelry for sale

Day 12

2007-09-02T23:56:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I did visualize this morning but I can't remember what it was.

Today, I made this progress:

I made a bracelet and a necklace.
I did my business books (updated AR, ledger, paid bills).

I am grateful:

that there's another whole month before I have to do bills again!
that the business was able to pay for all the supplies I ordered this month

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement
post the A2v2 bead for Eni's review
make 1 small piece of jewelry for sale

Day 11

2007-09-02T23:54:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I got up in a rush this morning and totally forgot about visualization.

Today, I made this progress:

I finished A2v2.
I made a necklace.

I am grateful:

that I got A2v2 done.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement
make one piece of jewelry for sale

Day 10

2007-08-31T23:07:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I tried to visualize this morning and it just wasn't working.

Today, I made this progress:

I began another second assignment bead per Eni's comments (much improved, try to work on a couple of aspects.
I finished pricing the jewelry that's made.

I am grateful:

that I got the pricing done
that I got a positive response to A2v1 fromEni
that I got a good start on A2v2
that I was able to make the strategic decision to use a half hour of my jewelry time to nap, thus allowing my creativity greater realm upon awakening.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement
continue work on the A2v2 bead (Assignment 2, version 2)
make one piece of jewelry for sale

Day 9

2007-08-31T00:00:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I tried to visualize what I was making yesterday in that concrete soldering corner. As best as I could make out, it was some sort of crown. Go figure.

Today, I made this progress:

I finished my second assignment bead and posted it for grading by Eni.
I finished necklace with Swarovski crystals (the first I've done with a heavy concentration of them).
I did my meditations
I photographed just about all of my yet-to-be photoed jewelry and got about 1/3 of it priced.

I am grateful:

that I met all of my goals from yesterday
that I got my photography just about up to date!
that I made progress on the pricing
that I finished that Swarovski necklace

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement
check to see Eni's comments on this posting
make at least 1 piece of jewelry for sale
price at least 10 pieces of jewelry

Day 8

2007-08-29T23:51:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

This morning, I saw my studio space a little more clearly. The place where I was speaking with the marketing person is at the far end of the studio and has a comfortable squishy brown leather couch and matching chairs and a coffee table. This is where I do meetings instead of a conference room. The regular workspace is across from the door as one enters. It's in the corner, roughly where my workspace is now. In the corner just next to the door is the soldering and kiln area - this has smooth concrete slabs on the walls - almost like a shower surround and a concrete counter (actually, it may be that stuff they use in labs and not concrete). It's a good space for the heat and flame involved in firing and soldering.

Today, I made this progress:

I ripped out what I did yesterday on the second assignment because I wasn't happy with it; I started it again using the tips she provided and am much happier this time with my progress.
I made 1 pendant for sale and started a necklace with Swarovski crystals (the first I've done with a heavy concentration of them).
I did my meditations
I spoke with the internship coordinator at the high school. She seemed enthusiastic about the idea. We spoke for 15 minutes or so about the business and what I'd be hoping the intern would accomplish. She's going to enter it into their "internship possibilities" database so that students who might be interested can see it.
I read my intent statement.

I am grateful:

that I met all but one of my goals from yesterday
that I made good use of my jewelry making time today
that Eni gave me some very helpful hints about improving the current project and finished with: "Keep working, you are doing very good!" Woohoo! Gotta love that progress!!

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations and read my intent statement
finish the iteration of my second assignment
make at least 1 piece of jewelry for sale

Day 7

2007-08-29T00:36:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I visualized this morning and saw myself talking marketing strategy with my (again, currently non-existent) marketing person. We were discussing which fashion houses were popular with celebrities these days so that we could get my stuff into their marketing and to their stylists.

Today, I made this progress:

I've finished and posted the bracelet that was my first assignment from Eni!
I also started the tutorial for the second assignment and posted a "halfway done" picture for her review.
I entered all my new stuff (seemingly reams of packing slips) into the database!
I started doing some research to add some useful content to my website. Good for both the user and the search engines.
I did my meditations
I left a message for the internship coordinator at the high school

I am grateful:

that I met my goals from yesterday
that I made good use of my jewelry making time today

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations
make significant progress on the first iteration of my second assignment
make at least 1 piece of jewelry for sale
continue my research

Day 6

2007-08-28T00:23:00.001-04:00

I visualized:

I visualized this morning and saw myself talking with my (currently non-existent) administrative person. She was young and willing and *very* helpful. As I was finishing the visualization, I remembered that our local high school has an internship program! They pair up students with local businesses. The students don't get paid but they get experience and school credit. Visualization is pretty damn helpful!!

Today, I made this progress:

I've now almost finished the bracelet that was my first assignment from Eni!
I did read my Intent Statement once
I got out to Joann Etc. to buy the cords I needed to finish a bunch of stuff
I finished the bunch of stuff that was awaiting matching ribbon/cord neckstraps
I did my meditations
I printed and reviewed the tutorial for my next assignment
MY WEBSITE IS UP-TO-DATE!!

I am grateful:

that I GOT MY WEBSITE UP-TO-DATE!
that I got those cords/ribbons bought and the other things I needed online ordered
that Katie enjoys shopping so that I can do the above
that my new glasses came today so I can see now! (Makes making jewelry much easier)
that I pretty much met all my goals from yesterday!

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations
I am going to try to focus my morning visualization on having a staff marketing/sales person
make at least 1 piece of jewelry for sale
finish and post a picture for Eni of the initial bracelet
Look at my Statement of Intent and read it through with attention at least twice over the course of the day
call the internship coordinator at the high school

Day 5

2007-08-27T00:05:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I did visualize this morning but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was! It was positive.

Today, I made this progress:

I made a couple of cool necklaces and assorted other jewelry.
I did read my Intent Statement once.
I did my meditations
I got all the earrings on my website up to date.

I am grateful:

that I made jewelry today and had some creative fun
that I made some more progress on my website
that my husband took Katie most of the day
that I pretty much met all my goals from yesterday!

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations
I am going to try to focus my morning visualization on having a staff marketing/sales person
make at least 1 piece of jewelry for sale
check to see if Eni's responded to my beads
Look at my Statement of Intent and read it through with attention at least twice over the course of the day
print and review the extensions and charms tutorial

Day 4

2007-08-26T00:49:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I saw my jewelry in a standalone case in the center of a posh jewelry store. The stands and carpets and paint were white and there was a glass case over the top of it.

Today, I made this progress:

I made several pairs of earrings, a couple bracelets, and a couple necklaces
I made my first brooch ever
I made a really cool high art pendant making use of a topaz briolette that came in broken - this piece, while small, is the first time I've drilled wire.
I posted the pictures of the beads I wrapped yesterday
I am still making progress on getting my website up to date.

I am grateful:

that I made jewelry today despite not feeling creative - thus teaching me that there is always some way to be productive even if it is just making replacements for pieces that already sold
that I made some more progress on my website
that my husband took Katie most of the day
that I pretty much met all my goals from yesterday!

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations
make at least 1 piece of jewelry for sale
check to see if Eni's responded to my beads
Look at my Statement of Intent and read it through with attention at least twice over the course of the day

Day 3

2007-08-25T00:53:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

Well, between my husband finding the toddler totally naked in her crib this morning and her unrepentant disobedience for days, I didn't really get the right kind of visualization done. Later in the day, I did visualize a conversation with a major celebrity ordering a piece of my jewelry.

Today, I made this progress:

I did a another new set of 4 beads with coiled bezels. I think these are a little better than the last set. She was very pleased with the progress I showed with the last set of beads!
I also made a cool set of fluorite chandelier earrings and a funky serpentine and labradorite bracelet (yes, with that gorgeous labradorite I mentioned yesterday.
I also started sketching some ideas for the Show Us Your Bra event in Northampton next month.
I am also making progress on getting my website up to date.

I am grateful:

that I made jewelry today
that I finally located my notebooks - woohoo!
that I made some more progress on my website
that I managed some visualization even if it was brief and wasn't in the morning
that I pretty much met all my goals from yesterday!

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations
sketch some more details about the Bra thingie.
make at least 1 larger piece and a couple smaller pieces of jewelry for sale
check up on my latest assignments with Eni to see her reaction to these latest beads

Day 2

2007-08-24T00:51:00.000-04:00

I visualized:

I was able to get the 5 minutes in although I drifted back into dreamland afterward. I saw a studio and it was mine although it looks nothing like what I have now. It was a large room with huge almost floor to ceiling windows every few feet. In the between the windows was brick - similar to what you see when they've converted an old factory to office space. I couldn't see what the floor was made of, perhaps that will come later. I had lots of space to work and a lovely storage system for all the many, many beads and stones. And a Herman Miller Aeron chair!! (Hey, I've got champagne taste with the best of them!) I didn't see it but there was a space for my administrative/marketing helper. I think it wasn't in this main room.

Progress:

I did a new set of 4 beads with coiled bezels using the wire Eni suggested. I am much more pleased with these - these are saleable. The coiling is much more even and it looks nice. I also made 3 pairs of earrings (2 moukite and 1 serpentine/agate/silver) for sale.

I am grateful:

for the progress I made with this today
for the moleskin on my pinky finger because it means that I worked on the assignment enough to require protection against the wire.
that my daughter played happily in her crib for 1.5 hours allowing me to work on my assignment.
for the stunning labradorite I got in the mail yesterday.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations
locate my sketchbook (per Eni's request/command)
make a piece of jewelry for sale - preferably with that stunning labradorite.

Day 1: It Begins

2007-08-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

AM meditation: (visualizing success) This was a little fragmented because Katie was already awake and I so wasn't but I did try. I saw myself, skinny and ever so fashionable, on Oprah!

Progress: I completed coiled bezels on 4 beads and posted the picture for Eni. She said it was a pretty good start but, "unfortunately, do it again." She also gave me tips on trying different gauge wire.

PM meditation: (thanks) I am grateful for an instructor whose goal it is not to make me 'happy' but to make me successful.

Tomorrow, I will:

perform my morning and evening meditations
do 4 new coiled-bezel
locate my sketchbook (per Eni's request/command)

Intent Statement (Initial)

2007-08-21T22:26:00.000-04:00

By December 20th, I will successfully complete the 4-month initial jewelry making independent studies course with Eni Oken (www.enioken.com), focusing on the design, engineering, and marketing of jewelry.

I will have developed a list of the most profitable sales venues for my art jewelry and have a strategy for getting accepted into same.

Completion of the course will empower me and give me tremendous self-confidence in my jewelry, allowing me to effectively design, create, and sell art jewelry at commensurate prices.

Desire

2007-08-21T22:22:00.000-04:00

So, I created an enormous list of things I want. (Yes, I am a demanding person, aren't I?) Then, with the help of my coach, I picked one to focus on, as follows below. From this, I will select one aspect and develop my intent statement from that.

To be a successful jewelry designer

Because I love creating
Because I want the status of being “successful”
Because I don’t like do the administrative stuff
To have the time to design and create
To have someone else handling the administrative and marketing stuff
To have major celebrities wear (and be seen wearing) my jewelry, driving business my way
To make a salary of $50/hr for my jewelry work, bringing home at least $50,000 annually in salary
To have the business make a profit (after costs and salaries) of at least $10,000 annually
To be able to command upwards of $1,000 for a piece of jewelry but still have some items at a level the average Jill can afford
To be exhibited in galleries as well as jewelry stores
To have successful ($750+) home parties monthly and strong internet sales
To expand my skillset to include soldering, PMC work, gem-setting
In the near term, complete the 4 month jewelry making course with Eni Oken, focusing on the design, engineering, and marketing of jewelry
In the near term, hold 4 jewelry parties this fall
In the near term, schedule and hold a successful trunk show/ business after hours in January

Introduction

2007-08-21T22:06:00.000-04:00

My name is PeppyPilotGirl. Ok, well, my online name is PeppyPilotGirl. My real name is nobody's business but my own as they say.

I am creating this blog to function as my journal as I proceed through learning and utilizing the Habit of Attraction. It is my intention to use this online record to help me achieve my goals.

Simply stated, the Habit of Attraction is that you get what you focus on... Since I'm tired of focusing on being overwhelmed and, indeed, tired of being overwhelmed, I have decided to focus on something more positive.

My coach (MH, let me know if you'd like me to link to your personal website and what the URL is please and I will) has told me these are the steps:

1. Think about what you want to manifest in your life.
2. Select one achievable thing you want and describe it in detail.
3. Develop an intent statement: 3 sentences describing what you want, what it will do for you, and how it will make you feel.
4. Develop a time line and other items that will help keep you focused.
5. Meditate on/visualize your success every morning for 5 minutes (in as much positive detail as you can muster).
6. Meditate on the day just passed every evening for 5 minutes, expressing gratitude for all that happened regarding your goal during the day. If it was a crappy day, find the lesson in that and express gratitude for that.
7. Journal the experience of your meditations.
8. Try to capture the feelings that come up when you focus on certain aspects of your intended achievement. Recreate/recognize these feelings wherever you can, in any aspect of your life.
9. Brainstorm lists of everything you can think of to do that will support the manifestation of your goal. Be specific.
10. Celebrate as much as possible, even when you don't feel successful.
11. Remind yourself of why you're doing it.
12. Check in with yourself from time to time to see how you're progressing and changing.

On we go.