Just for the record...
- I know I'm fat, ok? Food is the only enjoyable thing in my fucking life which is probably why I hate dieting. Well, that and I haven't found a diet that works at this point. The one that did once when I was 30 seems to have no impact anymore. Zealots keep trying to get me to stop eating carbs and maybe that will do the trick but what the fuck will there be to look forward to? Zip, that's what. I mean, honestly, vegetables are barely tolerable in a few cases and outright nasty in most. And you have to eat low fat too - more chicken. Great. Just fucking lovely.
- I know I've gotten nowhere in my career, if you can call being a half-time contract reader a career. I certainly don't like it very much. My opinions aren't respected, nobody in my company gives a damn what the contract says - certainly not the project managers - and it's a constant battle to force myself to do something that clearly makes no difference whatsoever.
- I feel tremendously guilty that I don't enjoy being a mother more. It's wretched. I love her to pieces but she's annoying and incredibly time consuming with BORING things. And I'm having another one? I'm a fucking idiot.
- Exercise just sucks. The only possible exceptions are ballroom dancing and ice skating - neither of which I have the time or money for as both are very expensive. I know it's important but every minute I spend exercising is a minute I resent. And finding the time to do it robs me of my hour during naptime that I use to make jewelry for sale.
- I have not gotten anywhere with any of my musical or artistic endeavors. When am I going to figure out that I'm always going to be second-rate, never more than a church choir singer or jewelry hobbyist. Why do I keep throwing more effort into things that clearly I'm not cut out for? I really am a fucking idiot.
- I hate doing childcare from 8 am - 8 p.m., then working from 8 p.m. - 1 a.m. I particularly hate it when my work start time gets delayed because her father doesn't put her to bed or occupy her and she pesters me so that I don't get started until 9 and then, of course, have to work until 2 a.m.
- I hate that my mother seems to find every single one of my emotional weaknesses and exploits them to get to me to what she wants. I hate that I fall for it every time just about. (See? Told you I'm a fucking idiot.)
- I am probably not only going to never meet my aviation goals but probably, even, will never fly again. (I'm talking general aviation here not commercial flying - that I am likely to do again at some point.)
- I hate that I'm such a fat lazy ass whiner.
1 comment:
Yep that really fucking sucks. God, I really know it too, I was right there with 2 small kids and the baby and working too much and never getting enough sleep, and NO help and the same situation with the hub and the mother. And it just sucked and I was tired, mean and unhappy from the exhaustion and unfairness of it all. I truly though it would never end. So, no pep talk. Sorry you don't have enough support. But that doesn't make you an idiot, just... underappreciated, I guess.
Virtual hugs anyway,
T
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