I'm Talking to Myself 'Cause No One Else Is Listenin'

I am feeling utterly overwhelmed. Beside the baby wanting to eat every hour and half, Evie turning aggressive against her sister (whether or not her sister deserves it) and pitching temper tantrums when the least bit tired, and Katie refusing to sleep and her behavior devolving accordingly, work is showing its usual blatent disregard of my nonworking hours, and the list goes on.

My sister called tonight to say "are you available the weekend after this? We'd like to come visit and see the baby and watch the kids Saturday night so you and John can get out." So, I ask John 'are we available'? 'Sure', he says. Then, when I'm off the phone he tells me he might have the opportunity to go to the UConn/Louisville game that afternoon/night and would I mind? It didn't occur to him that he should have told me this earlier or that this would confirm to my family that he doesn't like them. He protests that he likes my sister and her husband and he'd take her husband along. Of course, that makes it all better, now, doesn't it? Welcome to our home, see ya later! And add to that, why the fuck does he get to go out and have fun when I'm stuck here day in and day out being a slave to the children all day and working nights??! And then I feel guilty. Because he does work hard and it's not his fault that he gets to do that away from the kids. He deserves a break. He really does. But, honestly, couldn't he have told me about the game possibility when we were discussing the weekend schedule so I don't feel like a real schmuck with my sister?

Not to mention, he'd rather go to a football game that to dinner with me. Doesn't *that* make me feel great? Of course, I'm a fat blob whose hair won't cooperate and whose gut hangs over her incision like an old man's beer belly over his belt - except mine is floppier because the cause of the bulge is gone, so I guess I can't blame him. Nothing like a little confirmation that I look as much like hell as I suspected.

I got an email tonight from my boss at my church gig. The church is having a cabaret and he wants each of us ringers to sing a couple of songs. I've never sung in a cabaret environment unless you count drunken karaoke. I have NO stage presence (which is one reason why a section leader position is perfect for me) - I'm a dumpy middle aged schlub who looks as dorky on stage as Susan Whatsername from Britain's Got Talent. My fellow section leaders are spectacular singers - they leave me in the dust on a regular basis. I will look/sound horrible in comparison. I can't do this but I have to.

The main credit card is almost maxed out and we have another preschool tuition payment due in 2 weeks. On top of that, I've been nursing my laptop along and I'm not going to be able to much longer. I don't want to spend the money, obviously, but just as much as I don't want to spend the money, I don't want to go through the misery of getting a new computer up and running - finding all the discs and getting the software on there (my photoshop, I have to go back to 5.5 and install that full version, then each of the updates since then), coaxing the "IT" guy at work into putting on the Forteclient software and configuring the funky Outlook thing we use to coordinate schedules, hoping that my backup got everything I needed off the old computer and can get it onto the new computer without problems. Not to mention the simple act of determining which laptop is best for my purposes.

I am fucking exhausted and there seems to be no fucking end to the grind. I try to tell myself that tomorrow will be better but I'm gradually becoming convinced that may be an impossible dream. I know so many people have it far worse and I feel horribly guilty about griping but I'm not sure how long I can keep this up.

"If I Talk to God", Poison Kiss, The Last Goodnight